Keith Charters
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Reviews:If you would like to submit a review please email it to me at: kac@keithacharters.co.uk
Quick Book Links: Lee and the Consul Mutants......Lee Goes For Gold......Lee's Holiday Showdown
It’s not every day that a part of your body explodes!
But ten-year-old Lee’s appendix does just that, landing him in hospital.
After his operation, Lee discovers that being in hospital has its bright side. But his world turns dark again when he uncovers a fiendish plot by the white-coated Consul Mutants to TAKE OVER THE WORLDOther kids might quake in their boots at this news, but not Lee. He’s determined to save the planet and formulates a cunning plan to stop the alien invasion.
Lee & the Consul Mutants is the story of a fearless boy battling against intergalactic odds for the sake of mankind. Lee’s only weapon is his intelligence. . .
. . . which is a pity.(Published: October 2004) I have written a screenplay of Lee & the Consul Mutants, so hopefully one day you might get the chance to see it on either the big or small screen Read a review of Lee and the Consul Mutants
Meeting his dad’s multizillionaire boss inspires ten-year-old Lee to come up with a brilliant get-rich-quick scheme of his own...
But not everyone is keen for Lee to succeed. Local shopkeeper Panface certainly isn’t, and it seems that he has sneaky spies out there, trying to ruin Lee’s plans.
Will Lee overcome those out to stop him making his fortune? Or will he spend the whole time daydreamingabout how many houses he’ll own and how many butlers he'll have?
Lee will need to rely on his common sense and financial genius if he’s to succeed . . . so it could be a struggle.(Publication: 12 January 2006) Read a review of Lee Goes For Gold
coming soon...
Born in Edinburgh in 1965, I moved to Bearsden, on the outskirts of Glasgow, in 1979. I remained there, growing up (well, sort of) until 1986. During part of my time at school I had long, very messy hair (much to the despair of my friends, family and teachers) and wrote poetry no-one understood (not even me). I also played guitar in a band. From 1982-86 I went to the University of Strathclyde (after first getting a decent haircut) and studied Marketing and Law. I should have gained a first class honours degree, but missed out by half a percent, mainly because I was playing snooker when I should have been revising for exams. (Let this be a lesson to all.) 1986 saw me scrambling past the guards on Hadrian’s Wall to work in Bedfordshire, Yorkshire and Suffolk, first for a large car manufacturer, then for an investment company. I returned to Edinburgh in 1992, and it was there, one day when I was bored, that I first wrote something longer than a poem or song. It wasn’t very good, so I didn’t give up my day job. 1996 saw me move to London to work for a big, rather strange, financial company in which staff shouted not only at each other, but also at their customers and, very often, themselves. At the launch of Lee Goes For Gold - 1,500 pupils came along over 2 days. It was great! While in London I started writing a lot. An awful lot. Soon writing was taking over my life, so in 2002 I took a deep breath, gave up my ‘proper’ job, moved back to Glasgow and began writing full-time (or suffering for my art, as it’s also known), having decided that that was what I really wanted to do with my life After completing a novel for adults, my two children nagged me to write a book for people their age. It had to have mutants and portals in it, and, most important of all, it had to be funny….. I gave in. I sat down at my computer and, six weeks later, completed Lee & the Consul Mutants. I gave it to my children, who read it in the car on the way home from school and laughed their heads off, just as I had when I’d been writing it. Encouraged that I hadn’t been laughing just because I was bonkers, I sent the manuscript to a very nice man called Neil Wilson, who also laughed and then offered to publish it. A few months later, I wrote Lee Goes For Gold, which was published in January 2006. I've recently completed the third Lee novel.
I spend a LOT of time visiting schools, so why not ask me to visit yours. Use the Contact Me section to get in touch. Or check the list bellow to see if I'm already coming to your school in the coming months.My presentations are always highly entertaining and educational - 'stand-up literature', you could say. They generally last about one hour, but I can shorten or lengthen them to fit in with the school bell.They usually include:
* a discussion of some useful guidelines for creative writing.
* an hilarious reading
* questions from pupils
* prizes! Although I do have to charge for visits, they're not expensive. And I will present to as few or as many pupils aged 8+ as a school can muster. That can mean anything from 8 (and that was a whole school!) to 500
Ordering from Strident is easy. It's worth noting that if you order direct we can supply signed copies of books, whereas we're not normally able to supply signed copies through wholesalers and library suppliers.Wholesalers and retailersTo order direct, email us at info@stridentpublishing.co.uk or telephone 0141 424 0092.Alternatively, we have arrangements with most major wholesalers and library suppliers, so you can also order through them.Individual customersWe can supply signed copies of any of the Lee books to addresses in the UK upon receipt of a cheque for £6.99 per book. Postage and packing are free.Cheques should be made payable to 'Strident Publishing Limited' and sent to:Strident Publishing Ltd, 39 Newark Drive, Glasgow, G41 4QAWe can even arrange for your Lee book to include a personalised short message on the same page as the author's signature, to make it even more special. If you want to take advantage of this service, please enclose a note of what you'd like written. It would also be useful if you could include a telephone number or email address in case any points need to be clarified.
Wish your children would read more? Wish they would drag themselves away from the TV or their computer games for a couple of hours and find something better to do? Wish you could read something to them that you'd enjoy as well?Then you need Lee and the Consul Mutants or Lee Goes For Gold! For just £6.99 you can persuade your children to switch off the TV, go to their rooms, and read quietly night after night, leaving you get on with those important around-the-house jobs, like...well, like watching one of your favourite TV programmes for a change, surfing the internet or cuddling up on the couch with a coffee and a large tin of chocolates that, for once, won't be scoffed by your children.Tell me that isn't the best £6.99 you'll ever spend!And, in addition, the Lee books will persuade even the most reluctant readers that books can be fun, interesting and cool.Oh, and you can always read the book yourself once your children are asleep. Just to show that you're interested, of course, not because you might laugh at the funny jokes...For more information and to keep up with all my recent news (without quite so much gunk and noise!) visit my blog or subscribe to my rss news feed.
Got a question you'd like to ask me? Want me to visit your school? Got a comment about one of my books, or about my website? You can contact me by emailing me at: kac@keithacharters.co.uk
School Jokes .....Doctor, Doctor Jokes ......Scary Jokes ......Silly Jokes ......Animal Jokes
When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom?
Because there are no pupils to see!
Why did the teacher put the lights on?
Because the class was so dim!
A history joke
How did Vikings communicate?
By norse code!
A math joke
Teacher: How much is half of 8?
Pupil: Up and down or across?
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0!
A history joke
What is a forum?
Two-um plus two-um!
Great news, teacher says we have a test today come rain or shine.
So what's so great about that?
It's snowing outside!
An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took everything I had
What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?
Lots of blood tests!
Where did all the cuts and blood come from?
The school went on a trip!
What's the worst thing you're likely to find in the school cafeteria?
The food!
What kind of food do maths teachers eat?
Square meals!
The food in our school canteen is perfect.
If your a bug!
An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: Our puppy toilet trained on it
A history joke
How did Columbus's men sleep on their ships?
With their eyes shut!
How did the boy feel after being caned?
Absolutely whacked!
Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!
Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!
Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil 'till I get there
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?
Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!
Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?!
Stick your foot out and trip it up!
Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot.
Don't worry it's just a chain reaction!
Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee
Buzz off can't you see I'm busy?
Doctor these pills you gave me for BO...
What's wrong with them?
They keep slipping out from under my arms!
Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
Don't talk rubbish!
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep.
That's baaaaaaaaaad!
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bee.
Well buzz off I'm busy!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a mosquito
Go away, sucker!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a snake about to shed it's skin.
Why don't you go behind the screen and slip into something more comfortable then!
Doctor: You need new glasses
Patient: How do you know?, I haven't told you whats wrong with me yet
Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a snail
Don't worry we'll soon have you out of your shell!
Doctor, Doctor I feel like an apple.
We must get to the core of this!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a butterfly
Will you say what you mean and stop flitting about!
Doctor, Doctor I'm boiling up!
Just simmer down!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an adder
Great, can you help me with my accounts then please!
A vampire joke
What's a vampire's favourite sport?
Batminton!
A werewolf joke
What do you call a werewolf that drinks too much?
A whino!
A witch joke
Where did the witch get her furniture?
From the ideal gnome exhibition!
A skeleton joke
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with!
A cannibal joke
What happened at the cannibal's wedding party?
They toasted the bride and groom!
A ghost joke
How can you tell if a corpse is angry?
It flips its lid!
A demon joke
What do demons have on holiday?
A devil of a time!
A Halloween joke
What do witches eat at Halloween?
Spooketti, halloweenies, devils food cake and booberry pie!
A vampire joke
What's Dracula's car called?
A mobile blood unit!
A werewolf joke
What do you call a hairy beast with clothes on?
A wear-wolf!
A witch joke
Why did the witch go over the mountain?
Because she couldn't go under it!
A skeleton joke
Why didn't the skeleton want to play football?
Because his heart wasn't in it!
A cannibal joke
Why was the cannibal looking peeky?
Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog!
A wizard joke
If a wizard was knocked out by Dracula in a fight what would he be?
Out for the count!
A ghost joke
What happened when the ghost asked for a whiskey at his local bar?
The bartender said "Sorry sir, we don't serve spirits here"!
A cannibal joke
Why did the cannibal live on his own?
He was fed up with other people!
A witch joke
What's the witches favourite pop group?
Broomski Beat!
A Halloween joke
What happened when the girl dressed as a spoon left the Halloween party?
No one moved, they couldn't stir without her!
A witch joke
What is evil and ugly on the inside and green on the outside?
A witch dressed as a cucumber!
A vampire joke
Why does Dracula have no friends?
Because he's a pain in the neck!
A witch joke
How can you tell when a witch is really ugly?
When a wasp stings her it closes his eyes!
How many balls of string would it take to reach the moon?
Just one if it's long enough!
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam?
This match won't light!
That's funny, it did this morning!
What do elves do after school?
Gnomework!
If Ireland sank into the sea, what county wouldn't sink?
Cork!
How do we know that the Earth won't come to an end?
Because it's round!
How did your mum know you hadn't washed your face?
I forgot to wet the soap!
What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?
A dinosnore!
What is the fruitiest lesson?
History, because it's full of dates!
What language do they speak in Cuba?
Cubic!
Why did the stupid racing driver make ten pitstops during the race?
He was asking for directions!
How do you keep an imbecile happy all his life?
Tell him a joke
when he's a baby!
What illness did everyone on the Enterprise catch?
Chicken Spocks!
What is a myth?
A female moth!
What do Scotsmen eat?
Tart'n'pie!
What is heavier, a full moon or a half moon?
The full moon because it's lighter!
What town in England makes terrible sandwiches?
Oldham!
What would you call theft in Peking?
A Chinese takeaway!
What animals are on legal documents?
Seals!
What did you get for christmas?
A mouthorgan, its the best present I've ever had.
Why?
My mum gives me extra pocket money every week not to play it!
Where do tadpoles change?
In a croakroom!
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Because chickens hadn't evolved yet
Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the shell station
Q: Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
A: Because it was stuck to the chicken!
Q: Why did the horse cross the road?
A: Because the chicken needed a day off
Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: To get to the udder side!
Q: Why did the chicken end up in the soup?
A: Because it ran out of cluck!
Q: What happened when the chicken ate cement?
A: She laid a sidewalk!
Q: What did the chicken do when he saw a bucket of fried chicken?
A: She kicked the bucket!
Q: What do you call a crazy chicken?
A: A cuckoo cluck!
Q: What happened to the chicken whose feathers were all pointing the wrong way?
A: She was tickled to death!
Q: How do you know if you cat's got a bad cold?
A: He has cat-arrh!
Q: What is cleverer than a talking cat?
A: A spelling bee!
Q: How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures?
A: They never cry over spilt milk!
Q: What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla?
A: An animal that puts you out a night!
Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangeroo?
A: A stripey jumper!
Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar?
A: A sourpuss!
Q: How are tigers like sergeants in the army?
A: They both wear stripes!
Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
A: Because you can't bury them in trees!
Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
A: He was trying to make both ends meet!
Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A: A collie-flower!
Q: Why do dogs wag their tails?
A: "Because no one else will do it for them!"
Q: Why didn't the dog speak to his foot?
A: Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw!
Q: What is the dogs favorite city?
A: New Yorkie!
Q: Who is the dogs favorite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx!
Q: What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie?
A: "Well, doggone!"
Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
A: He stole the show!
Q: How can if you have a stupid dog?
A: It chases parked cars!